keep your death-inducing virus to yourself please.

so if you don't know me very well or at all you may or may not be concerned to find out that i have a fascination with things that will fuck you up. deadly bacteria that eats your flesh? interesting. parasitic viruses that liquefy your insides? fascinating. debilitating mental abnormalities that possess you to believe you are the second coming of jesus christ? awesome. this is why abnormal psychology was my favorite psych class. and why i really looked forward to reading the hot zone. if this freaks you out too much to be my friend anymore, so be it. i'm sure you like something messed up too. get over it.

now i should mention that part of the reason i like things that mess you up is because i find it interesting to see how society reacts to such things. this is also why i like dystopian movies and books. i like seeing who freaks out first, who rushes to help, who turns into a raging sociopath and how many people just lie down and take it. judge me if you want to.

anyway after reading the hot zone and the andromeda strain last month to prepare myself for this awesome movie (that i have been WAITING for) i was pretty psyched to see it opening weekend. and thankfully i was not disappointed!

along with about 6-9 (depending on your degree of film snobbery) big name stars, contagion had almost everything i like in a movie. it was smart, scientific, thought provoking and thrilling. it had some touching moments and even had a few appropriate jokes/funny comments. now sometimes big ensemble casts scare me away from a movie. it has the chance to just be a competition between the actors as to who is the biggest star and who can take up the most screen time. contagion didn't have that problem. each actor more or less had their own storyline to deal with. there were a few crossovers but nothing competitive. but with almost 5 separate story lines can't it get confusing? sure. but not here. everyone is working towards a similar goal. to not get sick. to not get other people sick (with the possible exception of jude law's character depending on how you look at it). however it does make for a lengthy summary. i'll do my best to keep it short by just highlighting the main plots around each group of characters. (spoilers abound but nothing too big)

gweneth paltrow is the first person we see come down with the virus. we don't know how she contracts it or where from but it rapidly destroys her. flu like symptoms then a murderous seizure. boom. dead. 2-3 days after exposure. no mercy. then her young son gets it. dead. matt damon is gwen's husband and step father to the boy, who also has his own daughter. doctors become worried that he has been exposed and puts him in quarantine for 10 days. he's immune. he then takes his daughter and locks them in their house to try and wait out the impending shit storm.

lawrence fishburne and kate winslet are doctors for the CDC and the epidemic intelligence service (i WANT that job) who try and find where the virus came from, how it spreads and how to prevent further spreading.

jude law turns out to be a semi-annoying little shit who writes a conspiracy theory blog. he advocates the use of some homeopathic cure-all and people subsequently go all homicidal for it. jude represents the douche bag who will do what he can to get ahead even in times of devastating crisis.

marion cotillard is a WHO epidemiologist who travels to china to try and find out where the virus came from and who the first person to come down with it was. some not-so-kosher shit goes down in her travels.

i was pleased that the movie wasn't too dumbed down. there was enough scientific discussion and facts to give it credibility but it was delivered in such a way that people with no medical background could understand most of it. the societal implications and outcomes seem to be just about right. people would, in general, lose their fucking minds. there were plenty of disturbing scenes in barren grocery stores and of rioting, looting and pillaging. all of which WOULD HAPPEN if something this catastrophic came to fruition. and eventually i'm sure it will. i'm not an overly paranoid person but upon leaving the theater i wanted to stock up on antibiotics, gas masks and various means of self-defense.

i can't say much else without giving away the whole movie but really the only thing i wasn't completely satisfied with was the lack of elaboration of the symptoms. for example there was a part where they cut open someones skull and when the doctor saw what this virus did to her brain he told the other doctor in the room to back up and get out. and here i am in my seat subduing the urge to claw my way through the rows in front of me in order to try and get a better look at whatever it was that they didn't show. i refrained from screaming "SHOW ME!! I WANT TO SEE IT!" but thought that would be mildly irritating to those around me if not outright terrifying to them.

all in all this was a realistic and therefore disturbing movie. one i highly suggest you go see if only so you can see what a possible future might look like should any virus this disastrous get loose among the human population.

contagion :: a

remember that thing you thought you took care of? well you didn't.

i'm not sure what drew me to seeing this movie. sure it fits into my love of espionage - esque thrillers. but that was pretty much it. i didn't have any invested interest in any of the actors. i liked them well enough but nothing really compared to my obsessive desire to see any and everything with james mcavoy or jude law in it. (god help me if they are ever in the same movie together) i think what i was drawn to was that fact that it was an intellectual movie. this summer, as with every summer, it's always an ULTIMATE BLOW YOUR EYES OUT OF YOUR SOCKETS BLOCKBUSTER EXTRAVAGANZA! (also in 3D), and usually by the end of july i'm done with that shit. my brain craaaaves stimulation of the intellectual variety.

so to be given this little morsel of a teaser to oscar season was a treat for me. i'm not saying this was an oscar worthy movie... it wasn't. but it was good. and a good transition piece from the action packed summer movies to the intelligent fall and winter films. i enjoyed 90% of the movie... the ending was just a little unexpected? i don't what to say about it. i don't want to spoil it for anyone who might read this so i can't really go into details but i guess i can say that old people engaging in hand to hand combat is just slightly... confusing? for me. it's just rare that i think of someone my grandma's age punching someone in the face. don't get me wrong, the ending was good but it was just odd to witness.

the summary will be short and vague since writing too much will give away too much. rachel, on the eve of her daughters' book release is haunted by some shady shit she and two fellow spies did during the time after ww2 and the holocaust. the movie is told in a flashback form and so much of it happens in the late '60s. rachel, david and stefan are tasked with finding a nazi war criminal in east berlin and bringing him to west berlin and to justice for the sick experiments he did on children during the holocaust. they botch the mission and are basically fucked because they have this dangerous man kidnapped and nothing to do with him. the "doktor" slowly tortures the 3 with derogatory jewish slurs and comments until one of them snaps and beats his face into looking like ground beef. then... oh shit he escapes. rachel is the only one with this scumbag when he pulls a houdini so he overpowers her and that's all i can really say. sorry. look it up on wikipedia if you want the play by play. it is in my nature not to ruin good movies.

there are a lot of good things in this flick. the acting is great. i liked the darkness of the film both in content and delivery. the material was slightly heavy, but didn't delve too much into the horrific tragedy of the holocaust. the cinematography was dark but still very crisp. it was a serious movie with almost a faint trace of documentary inspiration. i think i would have liked the movie more if the whole thing just took place in the 60's and didn't have the time changes or the sometimes confusing actor swaps. there was something off with the young-old actor choices. the 2 men who played david looking nothing alike (sam worthington and ciaran hinds) nor did the 2 men playing stefan (marton csokas and tom wilkinson). and while the scenes involving helen mirren doing spy stuff was a little unusual they were still pretty riveting. other than that everything was pretty great. i would absolutely recommend this to other people and might even watch it again when it comes out on dvd.

the debt :: b+

our idiot movie

oh paul rudd. why do you torment me? you don't have lead roles coming out the ass so when you do star in a movie i'm generally excited. when i first saw the trailer for our idiot brother i was only slightly interested. i should have listened to my gut and saved my money.

first off... why would you cover your beautiful face with that mangy beard? WHY?! second... not a big fan of two of the starring females. (i won't name names in fear of alienating what might be the one person who will read this.) thirdly... simpletons are not attractive. i don't care how good looking or charming you are... simple/oblivious people frustrate me to no end. ok here's my unfortunate review of the unfortunate movie...

i will not qualify anything here as a spoiler since this movie is SO FRIGGIN' predictable its not even funny. i'm pretty sure that a feral human living in the backwoods of north dakota who's never even encountered another human could outline the plot and subsequent outcomes for you. read on if you want to be bored to tears.

ned. simple simple ned. we first meet him selling pot to cop. in uniform. at a farmers market. can you guess what happens next? he's arrested and goes to jail! UNBELIEVABLE, right?! flash forward a few months, ned gets out on good behavior and goes back to the farm he and his girlfriend lived on, only the find that she has moved on (to a new simpleton!). she's a total douche bag to him and kicks him out... and keeps his dog, willie nelson. cold.

so he moves in with his (simpleton of a) mother and we meet his 3 sisters. liz, miranda and natalie. for whatever reason he doesn't want to live with his mom and moves in with each of his sisters and upon first glance seems to fuck up each of their lives. he catches liz's husband cheating, refuses to back miranda in a scandalizing magazine article and rats out natalie's pregnancy to her lesbian partner. guess what... they all get pissed at HIM! this is where i got a little miffed. the movie makes every female character seem over reactive and irrational. except the mom... she's just an old wino. yes women can be crazy and emotional but the events here just make it seem like all women are just delusional, lying, cheating, petty or some violent combination of all four. it's not misogynistic per se... but it is pretty unfair. i'm not saying what they did or how they reacted was right or wrong but it was overgeneralizing.

of course ned then tells his parole officer that he smoked pot with the kid across the street and gets... put back in jail. his sisters see the "error in their ways" and try and bail him out. except he won't accept their bail because he's a simple man and has been convinced that he was the reason for his family's' unhappiness. so instead of throwing in the towel the family comes to the obvious (?) realization that by stealing his dog from his douche bag ex, he will accept their money and apologies and come home! and it works. of course. everyone is happy in the end. oh and ned meets what the audience assumes to be his soul mate because she has a dog named dolly parton. AWWWWW. *rolls eyes* the end. credits roll.

interestingly enough the credits have a blooper reel that are actually kind of funny. presumably the people involved in the film realized the movie was a complete turd and decided to give a little something that says "hey... thanks for sticking this one out guys. we really appreciate your $13."

our idiot brother :: d

leap over this one

ouch. this one was pretty bad. i try not to grade a movie before it's over but leap year graded itself within the first 20 minutes. i never had any expectations for the film (it's a cut and dry click flick, after all) but not only was the script pretty dismal but the things that usually make a chick flick bearable for me were also pretty rough. these things being the soundtrack/score, the cinematography and the likability of the characters. roll up your sleeves... this one's gonna get messy...

the script. oh god the script. nothing about it was interesting, funny or smart. i swear the only thing i heard coming out of amy adams' mouth was the noise of the teacher from charlie brown. waw waw waw waw waw. you know that cringy feeling you get when you hear a bad pun or corny pick up line? yea... that was the feeling i had for the entire 90+ minutes of dialogue. there were even parts where i swear there was a thought bubble above the actors' heads that read "really? really?! i can't believe i'm actually saying this." it was that bad, people.

the soundtrack was beyond forgettable. it didn't even register in my mind. i honestly can't tell you the name of any song that played during the film, which is alarming since chick flicks are usually packed full of predictable pop songs of the moment. the score was just as bad. i may be slightly bias since i'm not a fan of irish folk/pop music to begin with but it seemed juvenile and almost mocking at times. i don't even care enough to look up who was in charge of the music.

the cinematography and over all plot of the movie was jerky, disjointed, forced and amateurish. there were at least 3 fade to black scenes and at least 5 slowly fade out and then into the next scenes... you know where the heroines' face is superimposed over the picturesque landscape or her forlorn lovers' face? yea that's a no-no in my book.


finally the characters... the glue that holds chick flicks together. watery at best here. i wanted to punch amy adams [character] in the face so many times. i couldn't find myself to give two shits about who she ended up with or what misfortunes befell her. her longtime boyfriend seemed fine until the unsurprising end. even matthew goodes' character was one dimensional. there was not a drop of chemistry found between any of the actors and all lines were delivered as if the recipient was a brick wall. this was an "i need the money to pay my bills" movie if i've ever seen one.

leap year :: d

sausagefest, mutant style

so in my defense i was excited about this movie BEFORE i knew hugh jackman was naked in it.

i never read the x-men comics so i'm not in the camp of bashing this movie because of supposed inaccuracies related to backgrounds and powers and whatnot. i watched the cartoon with my brother when i was like 10 or something so my "expertise" on the x-men series ends there.

i'm not even going to attempt to review this movie until i get the girlyness out of my system. so if you are repulsed or otherwise uninterested in the swooning of a 20-something year old girl skip down to the last few paragraphs.

---begin swooning---

hugh jackman. liev schreiber. taylor kitsch. dominic monaghan. kevin durand (keamy!?!!!). ryan reynolds. will.i.am. (yes, that is the order that i would "do" them in) a woman must have casted this movie. there's no way a man would put so much hotness into one film. unless he's gay. either way... kudos to you casting director. way to get females interested in a comic book movie. moving on...

uhhh. dripping wet. abs. hip bones. bulging muscles. perfect facial hair. you just got liquid metal injected into your whole body? poor logan, come here. momma's gonna make it alllll better.

uh... logan? no, i don't think it's a good idea to go jumping off a 40 story waterfall... wait. you're doing it naked as the day you were born...? continue.

...sweet jesus almighty look at that ASS. you could just bite right into that...mmm.

ok i need to move on... to the other men or this post is going to go on forever. liev... i would make love to your voice if that was possible. you are like a big teddy bear filled with sex. there's just something about you... i can't put my finger on it... but it's there. taylor, i'm not sure who you are but i love your face. and being gambit (one of my faves from the cartoon) doesn't hurt your cause either. damn you writers for not giving me more gambit. dominic. oh my love! i have missed you since your untimely demise on lost. you are utterly adorable. you can turn me on anytime.

kevin... (i actually yelled "keamy!?" in the theater.) you are the hottest mercenary on the face of the earth. keamy... why did ben have to kill you? oh yea because you shot his daughter... oh wait. we're talking about x-men... not lost? right. you have a beautiful voice as well. you aren't very attractive as the blob... but before... you are a delish piece of mutant. ryan reynolds. uhh... where have you been hiding all those muscles? do you have more? can i see? please don't think i don't like you because you are so far down on the list... i just have standing relationships with the men ahead of you. you'll work your way up, don't worry. will.i.am. who knew you could act? gutsy move jumping into an action movie/role. most singers take the easy road and make a cameo in a rom-com as their first foray into film. you aren't too shabby in the looks department either. wait. what?

new accent to add to the list of accents that make me swoon: cajun. not crazy about your food... but your men i'll taste.

---end swooning---

the opening credits were fucking awwwesome. anyone who knows me knows i have a thing for men who can't die/are indestructible/don't age, so the whole wars-through-the-ages sequence really got my blood boiling... sorry... i thought i got the horniness out of my system. oh wait. that's not possible. i'm really going to try to review the actual movie here, i swear.

it never registered in my mind that logan's... claws?... were bone before they were adamantium. i wasn't surprised when the bone claws came out at first but it kind of freaked me out a little. i have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to blood and gore and gunshots and stabs... but broken bones, especially when they break through the skin, just totally turns my stomach and gives me the chills. so seeing the bone come through the knuckle... even sans blood... kinda made my vision a little fuzzy for a second. but that problem was resolved fairly quickly once stryker got involved. i liked that the other mutants' powers were highlighted even if it was a little unnecessary. i was a little irked at the character development... or lack thereof. there were too many new people introduced in too short of a time. i love new mutants and seeing the cool shit that they can do but it's just kind of silly to introduce a new person, have them on screen for 10 minutes, not explain their ability, and then kill them.

the plot was a little weak. i understand why wolverine is the way he is... but the film made it hard for me to empathize with him. it was like the film was caught in between being strictly an action movie and a drama with some action thrown in. you could tell the writers were trying to inject some humanity into the characters and their problems... but they came up a little short. other than that, the writing was decent, some good dry humor and sarcastic wit. camera work was good, nothing epic but still held my interest.

besides the glorious naked ass scenes i think my favorite part was where wolverine is walking away from the destruction and fireball behind him. i half expected the letters B.A.M.F. to be stamped across the screen. sweeet.

x-men origins:wolverine :: b

a christmas carol + womanizer + aqua velva = ghosts of girlfriends past

yes yes yes... i know there's like 75 reviews i'm skipping here. but in order to get back into the groove here i need to start with something(s) i've seen recently. so shut the hell up and read.

gogp is a nice, fairly funny, brainless chick flick. i should just write one general review for chick flicks and copy and paste it for each one i see. but that would be cheating... but when have i been above cheating? exactly.

bias alert: mcconaughey, garner and douglas are 3 of my favorite actors.

gogp follows the same predictable pattern that all chick flicks follow. the acting was pretty good and the cast was surprisingly well put together. matthew mcconaughey is in his typical womanizer role. jennifer garner is in her typical level-headed sweet, no bullshit independent woman role. their chemistry isn't fantastic but it's there. michael douglas as the perpetual bachelor/commitment-phobe uncle is fantastic. he's a completely believable (which may or may not be a good thing for catherine zeta-jones) and charming asshole, if there is such a thing. lacey chabert was perfect as the (subtly) bitchy bridezilla. and... woah! breckin meyer!?!?! where the fuck have you been the past few years?! the last time i saw you was in clueless/josie and the pussycats/rat race/kate and leopold! good to see you man.

the christmas carol concept was a creative and semi-refreshing breath of air within the genre. it was like taking the semi-scenic route to a familiar location. a nice change but nothing out of your comfort zone.

i also felt that the movie didn't take its self too seriously. the "supernatural" presence of the ghosts kind of made this a necessity. there was a nice balance between funny and serious. the writing was nothing profound and the jokes were kind of predictable. most of the jokes revolved around sex (no issues with me there) which at times made me want to cover the ears of the 2 12 year old boys in the row in front of me. there wasn't anything explicit but i think a rating of pg-15 may have been more appropriate, if there was such a thing (don't get me started on mpaa ratings, please).

overall this was a good choice for killing time with a girlfriend on a boring saturday afternoon.

ghosts of girlfriends past :: b-

my husband.

sexiest. dance. ever.



paul rudd is just... mm mm good.