my husband.

sexiest. dance. ever.



paul rudd is just... mm mm good.

worst. blogger. ever.

i have a backlog of, like, 30+ movies that i want to review on here. some will be very short. but i'm going to try and get them all up asap. and then try and keep up with reviewing like i did when i started this thing. don't hold your breath, though.

ps: the backlog will begin with april 9th... knock yourselves out.

superhero royalty

do i REALLY need to review this one?
best. super. hero. movie. ever. made. period.

ps: christian bale, heath ledger(r.i.p.) and aaron eckhart... it could have the shittiest script ever written and i would still go see it on opening weekend.

the dark knight :: a+ (++++++)

viva la coldplay!

have you ever listened to a masterpiece? the beatles' white album? miles davis' kind of blue? michael jacksons' thriller? coldplays' viva la vida?

yes. i just placed viva la vida among the greats like the joshua tree and dark side of the moon. what now?

the issue with classifying something as a masterpiece is that people think that it has to be universally liked and generation defining. that may have been the case in the past, but not for generation y-er's. since we have so much more access to music these days, and so many different types of music, it is no longer possible to produce a "masterpiece". at least according to that definition.

i honestly don't think that most bands/singers today are capable of producing one. most of them barely put out a second album. catchy riffs and vapid lyrics will get you a top 10 hit, but thats about it. coldplay is different. i think that coldplay realized this after the explosion that was "yellow" and quickly did something about it. case in point: a rush of blood to the head. a-maz-ing. i didn't think they would ever be able to top that. and when x&y came out i was pleasantly surprised since critics didn't like it so much. needless to say, their fourth creation has really eased my fears that i would be listening to one hit wonders the rest of my life. viva la vida quite possibly tops my list of favorite albums.

everyone (critics) are highlighting the latin and spanish influences on the album and while i certainly heard those influences, i hear more african and asian influences. this kind of illustrates my whole point though. spanish, asian and african? how many bands can draw from three different cultures and integrate them seamlessly on one album?? humm??

if i had to choose i think my favorite song is "42" followed by the whole rest of the cd. i could give you a play by play review of each song but that would be overkill since they would all basically say "sofa king awesome". so go buy it and form your own opinions.

i'm beating a dead horse here but coldplay is the next u2. i would bet large sums of money and valuables on it. the similarities are there. not just in the studio but in their lives as well.

this is the best 47 minutes of auditory experience i've had in a very, very long time. thank you.

coldplay's "viva la vida" - A fucking + (++++++)

the environment strikes back

i wish people would give mr. shyamalan a break. he's never going to make another sixth sense, so stop waiting for it! i'm not saying the sixth sense was a fluke, because it wasn't. it was a well-thought out masterpiece. but you can't compare every movie he does from now on to his first. that's unfair. and ridiculous. i think his movies show that he's not a one trick pony. he's a storyteller. he tells familiar stories from new perspectives, twists the plot a bit and throws in a handful of suspense and thrills for good fun.

in the happening shyamalan takes the story of a unseen, mysterious natural killer and applies his standard formula to it. the story is told from the point of view of an intelligent teacher, instead of a group of dumb, beautiful teenagers. he pretty much figures out the cause of the mass suicides on his own, where in another movie the teenagers would've heard it on the crackling radio inside the tent they are camping out in. in the typical movie the environment is attacking humans, whereas in the happening, the environment is protecting itself. see how a different perspective can change a movie entirely!? shyamalan could have told an equally effective story without explicitly showing the killings, but the neck piercing/bullet to the head/lawn mower food are this movies' ghost under the table/alien hand in the grate/monster in grass waiting to scare the shit out of you. i'm not saying the deaths were gratuitous, they were just the flash and bang aspect of the movie.

i got really pissed when i read that critics were giving this movie exceptionally low ratings and writing it off as some cautionary-preachy green movie. there were definitely elements of that but i honestly don't believe that shyamalan wrote the movie thinking that it was going to be some massive slap in the forehead for the masses and we were all suddenly going to stop polluting and start driving eco-friendly cars. no one in hollywood is that delusional or self-centered. ok that's not true, but what i'm trying to say is that shyamalan is not just pulling bullshit out of his ass. nature is a living organism and has the same evolutionary capabilities as humans and other animals. he's just pointing out the "what-if" option and creating a story with it.

if you like a good story, with a solid plot, interesting characters and twist here or there, then you should at least give the happening a chance. if you are just interested in a whip-lash inducing turn at the end, you will be disappointed and should go back to 1999 and re-watch the sixth sense for the first time.

the happening :: b

monsters like their apples, just bigger

j.j. abrams is some kind of god. or at the very least a demi-god. i don't know where he comes up with his material but i don't care. he could be killing people and sucking the thoughts from their corpses and i wouldn't care. i don't care if he sold his soul to the devil. or if his bff's are voldemort and hannibal lector and he has pow-wow's with them on a weekly basis to help him think up his next mind-fuck. whatever he does/did he needs to keep at it. his stuff is like crack to me. (don't even get me started on lost)

i never saw the blair witch project so this is really the first time i have seen a movie from the [camera] point of view of the characters. it was mildly annoying at times but in most cases it really made the film. if cloverfield had been shot using typical camera work it would have been "oh just another monster movie, yawn" but this perspective added a lot more. it makes the film much more intimate and real (as real as it could get) and scary. that subway scene... i would've killed myself. actually i would have killed myself as soon as i realized the big monster was shitting out spider monsters the size of my car.

i absolutely adore jj's storytelling techniques. he never answers all of your questions, often answering questions with more questions. and everything is a metaphor for something and it's all open to interpretation. there's always the possibility of more to come. i don't have much else to say about cloverfield other than it was entertaining and the only monster movie i have sat through willingly in ages.

cloverfield :: b

bitches love the cheddar

way to go affleck brothers!

the only thing i didn't really care for was the length. no, no, that's not right. i didn't like how it seemed to have 2 endings. the first time i thought it was going to end i was like "wtf. don't end it there!" but then it started up again and i was happy! but then it dragged just a little and i got a little disappointed. but the real ending was well worth it.

the cast/acting was superb. the plot was incredible and the setting was perfect. there were a few twists which i loved and the character development and societal issues were fantastic. an original mystery is hard to come by these days, and gone baby gone is one of those rarities.

gone baby gone :: a

speed racer starts my engine

ok first let me get something out of the way... emile hirsch AND matthew fox(even though his face is covered 98% of the movie...)?! and they are driving fast cars?! these are just 3 of my favorite things. ok...

so i was never a huge speed racer fan. i watched a few episodes here and there after school when i was a kid, but the racing thing never really did it for me. that's before speed looked like emile and before i ever dreamed of touching (read: flooring) a gas pedal. i still don't really like racing, per se, but i do enjoy pretty cars and leaving the speed limit in the dust. anyways... in a flashy, fast one-shot, speed racer isn't that bad.

this movie is perfect for my little sisters' overstimulated, a.d.d. afflicted, hyped-up generation. the colors and effects are pretty and entertaining. the plot is simple but thought out and well put together. the writers/director/producers did a good job catering to the two main demographics this movie would attract: the youngins who have no idea who speed racer is, and those who watched the cartoons when they were younger. it's visual enough and funny enough to keep kids in their seats, but it's also not brainless enough (which is a good thing) to drive parents/older siblings to rip out their hair in chunks. it also has a good "don't sell out your family and friends for anything less than a billion dollars" message.

i'm just fairly positive i had a few seizures in the theater. but no harm done.

speed racer :: b+

и ваша мама также

i think i would like to take a trip like this. except stay in nicer hotels, have a more reliable car and, oh yea, not have cancer. i especially enjoyed y tu mama tambien because it was a movie centered around young men and told the story from their perspective. there aren't a whole lot of those, at least in the US, that aren't centered around violence and what not. although most male centric movies are dominated by sex. i wonder why that is???

the story is entirely realistic as are the emotions and situations the characters go through. the ending isn't the happiest one in the history of the world but it's also not slit-your-wrists-sad either. it is exactly what would happen if that situation really happened. which is what makes it a satisfying movie.

y tu mama tambien :: b+

your excentric personality killed you

it's both fitting and ironic that lindsay lohans' career begins and ends with a "twin" movie. this movie was painful. it was like watching a dying animal waiting to be put out of its misery. except worse. there were so many plot holes and unbelievable situations that it wasn't even laughable. i don't even want to go into detail as to why it's so bad, because you wouldn't believe me. it is so outrageous, you have to see it for yourself. i could garner no artistic, aesthetic, intellectual, or other value from this film. it is a waste.

i feel like this was lindsay's half-assed attempt at breaking into porn. a pornographic swan song, if you will. while it's not explicit, you get the feeling that she would've gladly taken her clothes off if that's what the director wanted. actually i bet she tried to flash some boob and some who-ha but the higher ups begged her to remain clothed. ikwkm was pretty much a platform for lindsay to show off her pole dancing "skillz" and her ability to ride a dick. this really was the final nail in lilo's career if you ask me. she has left the world of talented actresses and ascended into pitiful tabloid trash. how unfortunate.

i know who killed me makes it onto my "top 10 worst movies i've ever seen" list. you're welcome.

i know who killed me :: d-

you're the j to my uno

i feel like i've seen this movie like 100 times. even though i know i haven't. the concept is original enough, but for some reason it just seems... tired. don't know what all the fuss is/was about. i enjoyed ellen page and jason bateman. allison janney was great. jennifer garner was stunning as always. but i wanted to PUNCH michael cera in the face. i watched this as an in flight movie to (or from?) italy which may be a factor in my lack of enthusiasm. also it's only been since april that i've seen it, and i can't really remember a damn thing about it. (and if you know me, you know my memory rivals that of an elephant) i know she's preggers and she's giving it up for adoption and she says witty teen slang catch phrases. but everything else about the movie is just tired and slightly apathetic to me.

juno :: c+

don't quit your day job, mandy... oops.

a case study on how not to have [on-screen] chemistry with john krasinski (which up until this point, i believed to be impossible) well done mandy moore.

license to wed :: c+ (+ for john, who was the only saving grace)

awake? asleep? somewhere in between.

WARNING SPOILERS THROUGHOUT THIS REVIEW

have you ever (for all intents and purposes) died, had your mother kill herself, tell you in limbo to go back and get the fuckers that killed you, and then come back from the dead and did just that? no? well i have. you should try it sometime. its kind of trippy. but not really.

first off... the main focus of the poster (to your right) is the overexposed jessica alba, who is... not the main character! she is nicer to look at than hayden christensen but shes not the main character! yesh. studios will do anything to get people to see a movie these days. (just like in 'once upon a time in mexico'... salma hayek was on the poster and like 2nd billed but was only in the movie for 5 minutes. i'm not kidding.) next you'll see "starring brad pitts foot!" and then in minuscule writing "for 5 seconds!" people will line up for that shit. star power is all the power you need to manipulate the masses.

ok on to the actual movie. awake. the only reason i saw this movie was because we talked about it in my philosophy class last semester. well we talked about anesthetic awareness to be exact. blah blah blah are you really unconscious while under anesthesia blah blah blah how do anaesthetised people know what was said in the room after they wake up? blah blah blah. philosophical mindfucks like that.

ok! jeez. i am not on the ball tonight. awake! semi-predictable and mostly unbelievable. i definitely think that anesthetic awareness is a real phenomenon. but having your mother kill herself so that you can have her healthy heart, meeting her in limbo to discuss future business plans, and then pulling through only to find out your fiancee is a greedy double crossing bitch? no ones life is that fucked up.

the movie was entertaining. you got me there. the acting was descent. jessica and terrence are very good in their respective roles and even haydens' tortured screams are convincing. the plot was just a little far-fetched. there were some philosophical and psychological undertones but not enough to overshadow the "yeah right" factor(s). lena olin is an amazing actress and she does matriarchal bitch/loving mother very well. i'm not really going to talk about hayden. he's not a good actor. he's not attractive. he got lucky with the star wars role. and probably got this role because no other actor wanted it. he does play a rich priss convincingly at times. but he is inconsistent. and that bothers me.

got an hour and a half to kill? want something that will make you think a little? (i stress the "little") awake might be for you.

awake :: b-

john krasinski can tackle me anytime

i could make a lot of inappropriate comments about the picture to your right but i'm going to keep it clean.

i thought george was satisfactory and did an overall good job at directing and acting. (i always think thats a little presumptuous though. you can be an actor and director but not at the same time. you are really just monopolizing the movie and its creativity at that point. whatever. make as much money as you can i guess.) i always like seeing mr. clooney on the big screen. he's so handsome and talented. he has that old hollywood randy gentleman thing going on. dodges' cockiness and charm were traits that would have been wholly unbelievable had someone else been in the role. there were times when i thought george was just a touch too old for the role and a little bit too old to be going for a girl lexies age.

did not like renee in this role! i thought it was a huge miscast and would have liked to see someone with a little more natural sex appeal instead. lexie was a well written character but i did not enjoy renees interpretation of her. i think that renees delivery was wooden and the only way she fit lexie was in physical looks.

now on to john. oh jkras! imdb should never have told me you grew up where my brother now goes to college. i will stalk you like a corn field, lover! ahem. love love love carter! loved his character, his looks, and his personality. you go through the whole movie thinking he's a great guy. perfect and charming and all golden boyish only to discover that he has faults. just like everyone else. which makes him even more endearing.

at first i thought all three of the main characters were over exaggerated, sometimes comically. but i grew into it quickly and enjoyed their (oft unrealistically) quick banter and innuendos. i think the characters were supposed to appear that way to show the fanatical nature of the time period. alcohol makes some people misbehave... lets ban everyone from drinking! credit cards allow me to pay later... let charge everything! see what i mean? man i love the 20's.

its rare that i like a sports movie, but this one was more about the people and circumstances surrounding the game. a good date movie. football and manliness for the boys and eye candy and romance for the ladies. comedic joy for both!

leatherheads - B

always be prepared!

i like my men lean... but emile, honey, you're a fucking cadaver. literally. seeing poor emaciated emile made me appreciate the [extra] meat i have on my bones.

i liked the message of the movie. sometimes you have to die to really live. depressing, i know, but really i felt like his whole journey, his whole life was leading up to his death. the movie kind of worked backwards for me. after graduation he seemed dead and lifeless, and little by little he became more alive and almost more naive with each new experience. thinking that he could really honestly live off the land with no formal training in survival techniques, seemed a little foolish to me. but that's what he had to go through in order to discover himself and be "born". i really got the feeling that "this life" was a test for him and that his death was more of a birth into another life. very buddhist and om but the whole dying scene really got to me and had that air of fulfillment and completion.

on the other hand however... i got the feeling that chris (emile) was looking to die all along. he was never really truly happy until his last breath. sure he cried when he found out he was dying but he never, throughout the whole film, had a look of contentment on his face like he did on his deathbed. another reason i feel he was a closet suicide waiting to happen was because he didn't even really try to help himself once he found out he ate the poisonous plant. camping trip or not, i would have booked the hell out of there for medical assistance. immediately. it didn't feel like he was giving up, though. it was like death was a goal he was working towards unconsciously. he knew he would never be happy in this life and saw death as a reward for putting up with life.

into the wild had a few slow parts for me. i found myself wondering what this or that part had to do with anything. while these points seemed... pointless... at the end i remembered that not everything in life has a point. since this was a life story (and not an episode of lost) it was acceptable that there were a few boring parts. everyone's life has boring parts. everyone's life has some unfinished bits.

it was a nice life story. inspiring even. but reminded me of my hatred of camping which resulted in a few points being docked off.

into the wild :: B

the title says it all

the movie started off promising. the idea that the smart people are waiting to have babies until they can "afford" them combined with the red-neckers complete disregard for population control is a scary but completely plausible reality. the rest of the film was a highly unlikely exaggeration which was almost insulting at times. for instance, when luke's character talks like a normal human does today... it's called "fag talk" while everyone else just "speaks" in grunts. but maybe that's a way of saying that homosexuals are smarter than heteros. who knows. and really... would we ever elect a WWF, or whatever it's called now, wrestling dude... president? not us. but these people would. i guess when i say insulting i mean that i am offended (read: scared) that anyone would think my gene pool is capable of being such a bunch of morons.

idiocracy had its [few] funny moments. but it was mostly made up of "har-har" sex jokes. the acting was abysmal, even from luke wilson, who's usually great on screen. mya rudolph was just absolutely horrible. but dax shepard played a "retard" pretty well... but i'm not sure that's really something to be proud of.

it was a worthy attempt at depicting the degradation of our society. but the low brow humor was a little much and negated any progress the film made in terms of being taken as a serious comedy.

idiocracy: c+

a healthy dose of reality

because of sicko, i'm moving to europe, or at the very least out of the u.s. watching this made me want to cry. cry out of anger, resentment, and frustration. it also made me want to cry because of the beauty and generosity of the human spirit.

i know people look at moore with a sceptical eye. this is only the second moore film i've seen, but both have driven me to unhealthy (no pun intended) levels of outrage and disgust...


WARNING: RANT AHEAD

i think it is hideous that companies will pretty much only help people in need as long as they get the advertising space and time. i HATE extreme home makeover for this reason. it is one big advertisement for sears. i think that the concept of the show is horrible too. let's see here... instead of using the thousands of dollars to build a few sensible homes for a few different families that are struggling, they build one unnecessarily huge house with more luxuries than most b-list actors have.

and for who? "my husband is in iraq and i'm too helpless to go out and get a job to support my 7 children, please build me a house!" or "i take in 10 foster children at a time even though there is no where for them to sleep and i don't have enough money to feed them, build me a house!" maybe some of these people deserve houses but not the majority. my point is that the people with the money only help out when it is beneficial to them.

i'm ashamed that i live in a society where people are so selfish and unhelpful and unforgiving and ignorant of others. and just for the record, i'm not claiming to be a saint here. i am a product of this society and therefore understand why some people are the way they are.

ok onto the movie. i think it is great that soldiers and POW's in gitmo are so well cared for, seriously i am. but i think it is absolute horrific that there are u.s. citizens who's children die because the closest hospital doesn't take their insurance. if we are paying out the ass for medical care then we should be able to go wherever we want or need to.

the movie does have some uplifting points to it. its absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking that there are people, that we have literally demonized (cubans), who will reach out to us and our people and help us live better lives and give them treatment and medication without questions, insults, or payment. this part of the film really drills in the message of how important we are to each other and that it is imperative that we set aside our differences and help each other. it really goes against human nature to ignore those in need and live selfish, isolated lives.

this will be added to my list of highly inspirational movies and if anyone wants to see it, let me know. i went out and bought it the next day.

sorry for the preachiness, but i needed to say it.

grade: A
-t

vision: impaired

i really don't have any excuses for this one, folks. straight to dvd? that should have stopped me in my tracks. but what can i say, i'm a sucker for the visually impaired, like myself.

this one was pretty bad. chris pines' character (danny) is blind (who'd've thought!?). for some reason this makes him un-datable. he's sick of being a virgin and of being blind so he signs himself up for some experimental surgery and enlists his superficial brother to help him snag the ladies. bad idea on both accounts. right before the surgery he falls in love with a girl (leeza) at his doctors office. she's indian, and apparently this is a big deal. she's in an arranged marriage against her will (aren't we all?) but still doesn't feel it necessary to tell danny this until he is head over heels for her. {insert unimpressive obstacles here} much to no one's surprise leeza shuns her cultures' age-old traditions and professes her love for danny. blah blah blah. what else is new?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
blind dating: c-

-t

boring, party of two, your table is ready

first off - sorry for the lack of posts. school and life have really prevented me from watching anything [good] lately. alright... enough with the excuses.

hm. no reservations. i had somewhat high expectations for this movie only because so many customers at work (the lovely Borders Inc. for those of you unawares) asked me when it was coming out on dvd, if we had the soundtrack, if i'd seen it, yadda yadda yadda. normally, as you might imagine, i only get a lot of questions about a specific movie, if that movie is a huge blockbuster thing (spiderman, transformers, saw 67 or whatever number its up to) so for this movie to spur the amount of questions i fielded i figured, why not see it?

little did i know that i should have asked, why see it?

aaron eckhart is attractive. catherine zeta-jones is beautiful. those are really the only two reasons to see this film. abigail breslin was a little too old to be playing her character and her character was a little too un-upset about the fact that her mother just died. the rest of the movie follows your typical rom-com format, and thus prevents me from caring. i'm not going to waste anymore time reviewing the same film i've seen a million times already.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
no reservations - c
-t

ten reasons to kill your self

ok im not going to spend a lot of time on this. let me start off by saying this makes it into my top 10 worst movies i've ever seen list. it might make it into the top 5. oh god this was awful. i really had to force myself to not turn it off. i kept saying to myself "it's going to get better, it's going to get better." nope in fact it got worse. and it continued to get worse. even as i'm writing this im wondering how so many good people got blackmailed into doing this. how!? paul rudd, rob corddry, liev schreiber, famke janssen and jessica alba? what did you all do?! did you all commit murders and the only witness said he wouldn't tell if you agreed to be in this movie? was that it? were you drugged? and held at gunpoint until you signed on the dotted line? were your mothers, sisters and daughters locked away on a barge to china until you finished filming?

WHY?!

the ten was in no way, shape or form funny (with the minor exception of the 'thou shalt not covet thy neighbors possessions' skit, that was slightly better than the rest) watching your grandmother fall down a flight of stairs is hilarious compared to this shit-fest. i think if you gave me the option of watching this movie again or having my wisdom teeth pulled again... well that was pretty painful... well given the two i'd have a hard time choosing.

i'm done. i've already wasted too much of my life on this film.


grade: d-

this little piggy

a james filled weekend! my favorite! penelope is a lot better when compared to other mindless romcoms. the concept here is similar and different at the same time. boy meets girl. one of them fucks up the relationship before it's even a relationship. they realize they love each other. past fuck-up by one of them rears its ugly head. they get over it. happily ever after.

in penelope, it looks like max (james) is going to screw up right off the bat. he kind of does, but this prompts penelope to go on a little soul searching field trip. she becomes a minor celebrity and is pressured into marrying a man she doesn't love. and i'll leave it at that.

christina ricci! going into the movie i thought she might be a little too old to play the part but she pulled it off nicely. there were a few time where i was thinking, "no 25 year old would say that. ever." but the movie was so charming that i'll over look it.

catherine o'hara was an excellent selfish, clueless, overbearing mother. she reminded me of those women who have kids only so they can dress them up like little dolls. it's obvious that she doesn't really love penelope because of her appearance and unfortunately treats her like a freak instead of letting her live her life.

reese witherspoon was cute. not wholly believable but still cute. her character didn't really have me convinced that she was really friends with penelope. she just seemed a little standoffish. i did like how reese didn't take the lead role in her own movie. i find that off putting in many cases. she's either being selfless and aware by letting another better suited actress play the lead or she's throwing a fellow actress under the bus, just in case the film bombs. i hope its the former, but you never know with these hollywood people.

james!!!!!!! oh how he plays a tortured soul. i just want to give him a big hug. and a kiss. and tell him to forget about his wife. ahem. movie review, right. i like how max didn't purposely fuck up the relationship by doing something stupid. he was really being a selfless man (is there such a thing!?!) and putting her happiness and future before his own, even though she was happiest when she was with him. awwwww. i could have done without the sketchy facial hair, but it was fitting for his character. i wish, as always with all good looking men, that he had more [shirtless] screen time, but i think he really owned it when he was the focus. oh and just a side note, foreign men doing american accents... quick! get the smelling salts!

i'm quoting m here when i say "you can tell reese made this for her kids." and i agree. it's an innocent romcom that reminds me of the simplicity of disney fairytales. ahh the good old days.

grade: b+

becoming lame

it's here. there's always one. always one sucky movie that stars a future husband (james mcavoy) i had 2 main problems with this movie. 1-anne hathaway and 2-the ending. i can talk about 1 but not [much] about 2.

i normally like anne hathaway. she's cute. she's the girl next door. she's a good actress... 9 times out of 10. this was the 10, people. the biggest problem i had with her? the british accent. oh god it was abysmal. i would compare it to obvious effort and minimal success of a white priest trying to give his sermon in ebonics. it was that bad.

there wasn't a whole lot of happiness in the film as one might expect in a romance. and the anger and indignation that hathaway "portrayed" was half-hearted. her overall performance gave the feeling that she knew the role was a tad to big for her to fill and thus she surrendered.

james was as a great as he could be opposite anne. i liked him as the bitter, womanizing "mr. darcy"- i just wish there was more wet shirt-ness, a la colin firth in pride and prejudice. i was upset that both tom and jane where a bit spineless and bowed so easily to the rules of society, and back then, they really were rules.

the rest of the cast was really unimpressive. i completely forgot that maggie smith was in the movie, until now when i just looked at the cast listing on imdb. the set wasn't very good, at least what you could see of it. every camera shot was really tight on the actors and you really didn't get a sense of where they were.

i didn't like the ending. i can't talk much about it, but i can say that if you know anything about jane austens' life (like i did... but forgot) you know what's coming. but that doesn't mean i have to like it. i hate romdram's that end like this. pppfttt.

all that aside, james is the only thing saving this movie from the c's.

grade: b-

she loves (and hates) you

man, it's taking me 3 days to write this review. ugh. and i still don't want to. i'm not sure why. across the universe was acceptable. i wasn't amazed with anything really, other than mr. jim sturgess' face and voice. swoon. i'm a sucker for those english men.

i'm really not a huge beatles fan. so i was doubly disappointed when some of their songs i actually know and like weren't in the movie. m informed me that the movie really focuses on the latter part of their career, but whatever, i don't believe your typical movie go-er is going to realize or care about that. i was also hoping for a "radical new take on beatles songs" but was presented with "yeah... anyone could have come up with these" versions. don't get me wrong, the singing was very good but i just wasn't too impressed with the arrangements.

songs aside... i loved the 3 lead males! jim sturgess, joe anderson and martin luther. acting and singing were both fabulous and convincing. their characters were deep and real, and i felt sympathy for each of them at at least one point in the movie.

males aside... i really really really didn't like evan rachel wood, or her character. lucy was a naive, vapid little brat. (very similar to wood's character in thirteen, although she was actually convincing there) she has a good voice but that's really the only positive thing i have to say about her and her character.

the rest of the movie (scenery, special effects) was either forgettable or impressive. i really enjoyed the "strawberry fields" bit, but hated "being for the benefit of mr. kite"

there is rarely a movie in which i find myself both loving and hating it in equal parts... across the universe is one of these.

grade:b

do you see what i see?

a movie with dennis quaid, matthew fox, forest whitaker, william hurt, edgar ramirez, and some guy named eduardo noriega? yes please! and mom is paying?? sign me up! vantage point is just like it sounds. it's the same 20 minute story told/seen from 8 different views. it has the same fast paced energy/terrorism plot/people and things aren't always what they seem feel as 24 (oh keifer how i miss thee!!), so i recommend it if you like 24.

dennis quaid is, arguably the main character, a secret service agent who's traumatic past makes him a liability in the eyes of the other agents, one of whom is matthew fox (huba, huba), on duty in spain for a presidential speech. william hurt is the president who is "shot" during said speech. forest whitaker is a us citizen with family problems who is filming the speech/aftermath who becomes somewhat of an admirable hero during the chaos. edgar ramirez and eduardo noriega, among others, are suspects in the shooting, with ethnic backgrounds ambiguous enough to appeal to the masses, and also to dis/encourage the feelings of the current political climate.

i won't say much else because i don't want to ruin the ending... even if it is a little (only a little) predictable. all the acting was excellent. i was glad that the events all took place in spain. its a nice change of scenery and a neutral backdrop for the film. if the movie took place in the us, it would have seemed preachy, or too reminiscent of 9/11, which probably would have made people shy away from the box office. if it took place in say the middle east, there would have been a presumptuous, finger pointing, nightly news feel, which really would've scared people away. so... good choice on spain.

grade: b+

luke-warm fuzz

shawn of the dead? one of the funniest movies ever. hot fuzz? not so much. i had high hopes for this film because it was from, and staring, the guys from sotd. the previews made it look funny and people i talked to who saw it in the theater said it was also. am i missing something?

parts of it were funny. the plot was funny in theory but not in execution. the cast and cameos were good, especially nick frost, who is now one of my favorite british actors. and simon pegg was excellent, which is no surprise.

i'd say the first half of the movie dragged a bit but it then picked up towards the end. i don't have much else to say about the film. maybe i missed the british humor this time? maybe one should be high while viewing the film? not sure.

grade: b

this movie has no grey matter

ugh. i don't know why i torture myself by watching heather graham movies. i have never seen her in a movie i liked, with the exception of swingers, in which she only had like 15 minutes screen time. gray matters is a movie in which a sister, gray, tries to, and successfully, hook up her brother, sam, with a girl, charlie. she does this, supposedly, in order to stop people thinking that they, brother and sister, have some sort of incestuous relationship, because they are so close and do everything together.

long story short, gray and charlie get drunk and make out on the eve of charlie and sam's wedding. in vegas. gray has never heard the saying what happens in vegas, stays in vegas, and decides that she is now a lesbian.

unfortunately, charlie doesn't remember a thing and gets married to sam. gray is left feeling confused and hopeful that charlie will realize that she really does love gray and not sam. oh the drama! the rest of the movie is even worse and doesn't deserve the effort it takes for me to write about it. come to think of it, none of the movie deserves the [minimal] energy i've put into writing this post.

molly shannon is the only comic relief in the film. but unfortunately her greatness can't prop up the film.

sissy spacek is one of the worst therapists ever on screen. and deserves a punch in the mouth for being so.

grade: d

sorry no reviews... yet.

so until march 4th i am trapped in a huge cold deserted house, dogsitting. there is no internet (and when i say "no" i really mean dial-up, which is worse than not having any, imo) and the satellite tv only gets the local channels and vh1. which means that i cannot watch the season finale of project runway tonight which therefore makes me a danger to myself and others. so angry. sooooooooo angry. for all of you who do get to watch it tonight, take a commercial break to think about me, sitting cold and lonely in the middle of the woods drawing pictures of myself in various states of mental distress. but i will have goodies for you all when i return on the 4th...

upcoming reviews:

gray matters

hot fuzz

vantage point

across the universe

becoming jane

penelope

the ten

My New Found Respect for Jimmy Kimmel

Way to step it up Kimmel!

Everyone must have had some down time during the WGA strike. The all star cast includes. Brad Pitt (it's nice to know you have a sense of humor while Angie is home), Robin Williams, Cameron Diaz (love the hand gestures), Josh Groban, Meatloaf, Dominic Monaghan, Harrison Ford, Macy Gray, Christina Applegate, Joan Jett, McLovin, Don Cheadle, Rebecca Romijn, Pete Wentz, Perry Farrell, Good Charlotte, Lance Bass, and Huey Lewis.

-M

aaannndd the winner is....

the grammy's are really the only awards show that i enjoy watching. the performances keep me entertained but the amount of commericals are still mind-numbing and cause for suicide. just so you know, i tend to get into award shows when my favorites are involved. so some of the categories i react like my father does when watching the super bowl. also sorry in advance if i offend anyone or "dis" your favorites. this is my blog. if you don't like it... go write your own.

alicia keys and frank sinatra performance - FRANK!!!! omigosh. i love ol' blue eyes. i wish that alicia would sing more songs like this. more jazzy, less poppy/r&b-y. i think, and her performance tonight is testament to this, her voice is better suited for that old school jazz. i borderline hate the song "no one" and was therefore thankful that she didn't sing that one.

best female r&b vocal - alicia keys... even though my sentiments towards the song are less than favorable, imo, she was the only logical choice for this award.

carrie underwood performance(instrumentals by garbage from outback) - yaaaawn. over it. go back to country-ville, whore.

rihanna and who? performance - if i hear "umbrella" one more time, i may just kill someone.

tom hanks!!!!

the cirque du solie interpretation of the beatles makes me want to see across the universe.

best new artist- thank god feist didn't win. i hate "1234" more than "no one". amy winehouse was the only logical choice for this category, also. at least given the noms.

jason bateman - hahaha. just learning how to read. i like him.

kanye west performance - be still my beating heart. no one can deny that he ALWAYS delivers. i really like the outlining of everything in lights. oh mamma. beautiful performance, i had tears in my eyes. i feel so bad for him i just want to give him a hug.

fergie and john legend performace - kinda like the new song. forgetable though.

best soundtrack - love. honestly. i didn't love any of the noms. beatles are always the default choice though. i don't think anyone this day in age expects to win when they are up against anything related to the beatles. so no harm done.

beyonce and tina turner performance - hate the outfit. hate it. like the performance though. (reminds me of the chicago track "cell block tango" which i loved.) and then comes tinia turner, dressed and moving like a robot and then...woah! holy metallic nip-ons batman! watch out! those are dangerous! beyonce looks a little worn out in her duet with tina. but her outfit is much better.

best song of the year - "rehab" poo. i wanted corrine to win. the best song in the category. hands down.

foo fighters performance - "the pretender" is one of the best songs they have put out to date. foo are crazy live, they put on a fucking awesome concert. dave grohl makes me want to put on my converse and rock the fuck out.

brad paisley performance - good going on the paisley print guitar. har har har. get it? his last name is paisley and his guitar is paisley-ied out. *gags* i don't like the country music genre. if for no other reason than the fact that lyrics to country songs are like "i'd like to check you for ticks" *vomiting noises*

best rap album - KANYEEEEEE!!! so deserving. this album is fantastic. props for dissing the av crew on interupting his speech with the fucking music. that really gets me going. its so rude. i know they have a time schedule to keep but they KNEW that he wasn't going to leave the stage without mentioning his mother. if one person goes over time, cut out a fucking commercial segment if you are so pressed for time. trust me you can afford it. way to be a huge douche bag, grammy av crew. way to go.

aretha franklin & co. performance - dear lord i hope that spaghetti strap stays up. personally i would have chosen a different, more flattering, dress, aretha. but that's just me. im not the queen of r&b so what do i know? not blown away by the performance. and it went on a bit to long. and by a bit i mean they could have cut the whole performance and left it at that.

feist performance - see that pencil on the table next to me? in about two seconds, it is getting shoved in my ear so as to enduce inner ear trauma. and wtf is up with the shag throw rug?!

keeli smith and kid rock performance - kid rock is such a tool. ruined the performance for me.

best rock album - (if daughtry wins i will execute him.) YEEEESSSSS! FOOOOOO! i actually held my breath. this album is great. and these guys definatly deserve it. interesting side note: dave grohl reminds me of david spade.

alicia keys performance - see that other pencil? going in my other ear. wait...wait...wait. it's...it's...it's... JOHN MAYER!!!!!!!! OMG! look at johns fucking shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you john. i love you. good job improving the song. i could actually listen to it while you were on stage.

best country album - who cares. vince gill. next. woah. hold on. don't talk to kanye. he's gonna shoot your ass after the show for that smart ass remark.

herbie hancock and co. - rhapsody in blue is such an amazing piece. these guys were great. this yang yang guy is an entertaining performer.

best rap collaboration - umbrella. ugh. gag me. rihanna hugs jay-z, beyonce says "bitch, back off my man!" killer girl fight ensues! oh wait... nevermind.

amy winehouse performance - you couldn't find anyone better than cuba gooding jr to introduce one of teh most talked about singers of the year? wow. sad. upon first glance amy doesn't look too coked out. gross look at her legs. they are so skinny. i was funny expecting her to change the lyrics to "they tried to make me go to rehab and i said yeaa yeaa yeaa." her "dancing" during the performance was that of someone who hasn't been on their feet in a few weeks but over all i'm happy that she made it through without doing a line or falling flat on her face. gold star for amy!

record of the year - ooo this is a battle royal if i ever saw one. aaaaaand the award goes to... amy winehouse! her reaction was so genuine i can't help but be really happy for her. i hope she can turn her life around and make some more good music.

josh groban and andrea bocelli performance - a great song to honor the recently deceased in the music world sung by two amazing voices. shame on you if you've never listened to either of them. you are truly missing out on some beautiful music.

little richard and jerry lee lewis and john fogarty performance - saving the best for last, eh grammys? does one go to hell for insulting rock royalty? well it was a lot better than aretha and co. that's for sure. little richard is such a character.

will.i.am "performance" - ??? really? areyoufuckingserious?

album of the year - come on kanye. come on kanye. WHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!!!????? how the fuck do people pick the winners? i mean herbie hancock is great and all... but really.... come on. deliberate snubs like this are what make me hate award shows. with a passion. STOP PLAYING THE FUCKING MUSIC!! let the man speak damnnit! you just gave him the most coveted award of the night and you want him to give his thank you speech in 30 seconds or less??

ok good night!

p.s. sorry if there are spelling errors, my awesome spell check button hasn't been working lately.

"You're mean boys who are just being mean!"

Topic: Movie Review

Subject: Alpha Dog

Based on the true events, Alpha Dog tells the story of a group of 20 something year old wiggas from Southern California in the late 90's. As ransom for overdue drug money, Johnny Truelove (Emile Hirsch [pre-Into the Wild]) impulsively kidnaps Zach Mazursky (Anton Yelchin), the 15 year old younger brother of Jake (Ben Foster). Undecided about what to do next, Johnny places Zach in the custody of his wing-man Frankie (Justin Timberlake). Certain Jake will pay his debt, Zach willing follows Frankie around for 3 days, while developing an unintentional brotherly friendship.

Allow me to share my immediate reaction: HOLY CRAP, what a heartbreaking story! Zach is such a hopeful teenager, a little naive, but looking to escape his overbearing parents for a moment. Only to land in dastardly situations, either with his meth addict older brother or kidnapped by a juvenile druglord. While held hostage Zach finds the kind of companionship he is looking for at home and begins to come into his own. Fighting for himself, for only a brief moment, and encountering teenage girls for the first time. Towards the end of his abduction he reflexes on what he has done wrong and wishes to change his future for the best. He is a great kid, with a hopeful future, he was only desperate for a momentary change to find some perspective.

Ben Foster gets his own HOLY CRAP for his portrayal of Zach's meth addicted/ neo-Nazi older brother, Jake. Seriously, Jake is one crazy mother f***er! I understand Foster went through a lot of research for this role, I'm not sure if it was for an Oscar nomination he was looking for, or if he is just this intense, but either way it paid off! Foster shows all the sides of Jake; anger, desperation, high on meth, psychotic, and his love for Zach. His only downfall is his fight scenes, coming off more of an action hero as oppose to a 20-something human being.

Snaps for Mr. Timberlake! While Frankie is not the most difficult character, JT performs very well for someone whose acting resume includes the New Mickey Mouse Club, Model Behavior and Edison. He excelled in his first "real" role, as I shall call it. While Frankie starts out as an ass, his character evolves as his relationship with Zach grows over his captivity. By the story's end you can feel their emotional attachment and you want him to do the right thing, which he feebly attempts, but ultimately resumes his way of life pre-Zach.

Other highlights: the witness count which grows up to 40! Slightly, hilarious. The opening credits of baby and family videos of the cast. Sharon Stone's final scene as Zach's mother years later. Her delivery of, "They say there's a reason for everything. If God's got a purpose for me, he better get the fuck down here and tell me what it is, 'cause I don't see it!" brings you to tears for her, and really makes you question the proverb. Otherwise, I think Olivia Wilde was given too much attention for such a minor role.

A

-M

james marsden = delicious (3 of 3 super quick reviews)

likes/positives: james marsden. my honest advice to him would be to get a restraining order against me right now, even though we've never met and probably never will, just to be on the safe side. regardless i will still plead temporary insanity due to exposure of overwhelming amounts of gorgeousness in a court of law for my actions. kathrine heigl - cute, relatable, believable, smart for picking excellent roles for herself! judy fucking greer, man. i cannot get enough of her! one of the best supporting actresses ever. will someone please give this girl a freakin award?!

dislikes/negatives: the movie poster! god i think this is terrible! i didn't realize that the writers strike is also affecting movie poster design. does follow the romcom predictablity path that i don't enjoy, but it actually won me over, unlike many recent romcom attempts to do so. the fact that the movie doesn't include tv trailer clips - i loathe it when movies do this. loathe it.

overall grade: a-

blindingly bright (2 of 3 super quick reviews)

likes/positives: heavy philosophical and psychological overtones. questionable morals. cillian murphy - mmmm. chris evans - plays a great asshole. cliff curtis - excellent! mark strong - plays a great deliusional fuck-up (understatement). actually making characters realistic and human and putting them in situation that they would actually experience (regardless of the fact that they are in space). not sugar coating anything bad that happens. when it's bad in space... it's really bad (and by bad i really mean neck deep in the messiest, foulest shit ever) and of course... the suspence. i'm a sucker for it. waaaaaay better take on philosophical space mystery than 2001: aso.

dislikes/negatives: slasher-esque-ish (almost) ending. not as much character development as i would have liked, although there is enough.

overall grade: a

chuck's a good fuck (1 of 3 super quick reviews)

likes/positive comments: jessica alba. dan fogler. dane cook. gratuitus use of penguins. all gave acceptable performances. cute. doesn't require much thought to follow.

dislikes/negative comments: typical romcom format/plot devices/predictable outcomes, if you think you know how it's gonna pan out, you're probably right. gratuitus sex without artistic purpose - i like dane cook but not THAT much.

overall grade: c+

no i am!

normally i hate sarah silverman... but i thought this was tasteful for her and funny. and it has matt damon in it. do i need more of a reason? didn't think so.

skim milk is delicious

hello readers!

it's me, t. i just want to address a few things.

1) since i am back at school, and taking 20 credits, movie reviews may be thinning out a little here. i enjoy doing this, and i hope you enjoy reading it, but school has top priority at this point. i'm going to try my hardest to keep up, but i'm playing it by ear at this point. maybe m will pick up a little of my slack... nudge nudge.

2) this next point is directed towards you, the reader. i would like to know if you'd prefer me to just give my opinion on movies i've seen, like the majority of my reviews, or if you'd like me to also give a brief synopsis plus my review, like the one i wrote for joshua. i can't promise anything but i'd like to know what you'd like to see written here. i'd also love to hear any other suggestions you might have... do you want me/us to do some write-ups on tv shows? music? what? tell me.

3) where are my comments? i know... i hate it when people plead for picture comments on myspace. but i think this is a little different. if you love it, tell me. if you hate it, tell me. if you disagree, tell me! start a conversation with me! i love feedback, i crave it. like the honda cr-v. crave.

ok thats all.

xoxo

t

reason number 5,847 why i'm never having children

see that eerily cute little boy to the left there? yea, that's joshua. the. scariest. mother. fucker. under 12. and i'm not kidding about the mother fucker part either. this kid mind fucks his mother to the point of insanity.

joshua is about a little boy (see picture) who's soon to be a big brother. yea!!!? no yea. from the beginning of the film, one can easily see that joshua is a gifted young boy. he doesn't appear to have much in the way of friends or a social life but he is intelligent and very gifted on the piano. upon the arrival of his younger sister, joshua is unimpressed and confused as to why he is no longer getting all the attention of his well-to-do parents. things start to get a little disturbing when joshua tells his father that "you don't have to love me, you know. it's not a rule." who the hell says that?! certainly not an 8 year old! over the next half an hour or so we learn that joshua was a fussy little brat when he was an infant and that this constant crying drove his mother to fall into a state of psychotic post-partum depression.

years pass and joshuas mom "recovers" and all seems to be well within the family. until lily (baby sister) mysteriously begins crying insistently. we are led to believe that joshua and his freakishly smart little brain had something to do with this. freaky things continue to happen that make you question what you would do if your own flesh and blood were acting this way. the main climax of the movie is when joshua and his mother (who's hanging by a single mental thread at this point) are playing a game of hide and seek in the house. lily is sleeping. joshua hides. mom seeks. baby and joshua go missing. mom goes apeshit.

after mom is subdued by some strong anti-psychotics she is committed to a happy sunny mental institution. dad, joshua and lily return home. one night dad discovers some not so kosher things about what joshua's been doing at night for the last few weeks and begins to suspect that his son is the reason why his family is falling apart. morbid, no? i don't want to spoil the disturbing ending for anyone, so i'll stop here. let's just say this kid knows waaaaaay to much about childhood psychology and pretty much redefines what a spoiled brat is. you don't want to know what happens when this kid doesn't (or does) get his way. nor do you really find out for sure.

jacob kogan, who plays joshua, is great. fantastically frightening. jacob's acting is spot on and 100% convincing. i never would have guessed that such a young inexperienced person could take on the role of a sociopath and deliver, perhaps better than, an actor with years of experience.

vera farmiga, who played abby, the mom, was also great. i'm glad i don't share that gene pool. post-partum and sociopathy?? tempting, but i'll pass. sam rockwell, aka brad the dad, was terrific. sam is a fantastic actor, ::cough:: who need to take on more roles ::cough:: and really grounds the two extremes in his family while trying to protect the only normal one.

i thought that joshua was thought provoking and unnerving at the same time. you should not see it if you currently harbor a phobia for young children; this movie will not alleviate your fears! there are children out there like young josh here, and we should all be prepared if one of them happens to spring to life in our own family or in the families of our close friends. this movie can help prepare us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i give joshua a b+
-t

that is soooooo gaaaay!

ok so you want to see a comedy film with your boyfriend. he wants to see some stoner/drunkard/dumbass comedy. you want to see "it's not a chick flick! ... its a romantic comedy! yes there is a difference!" good luck solving that problem. well for all of you who think this dilemma is harder to solve than the "which came first" problem... i give you... dadadadaaaa! i now pronounce you chuck and larry!

benefits include: a laugh for him. a little romance for you. and he might also be a little more accepting of your gay bff.

first off, adam sandler. i really enjoy him. a lot. i always have. i didn't really know what to expect from him in this role. i would've been angry if he took the role to far and mocked his character, but i would have been disappointed if he didn't deliver his normal borderline rude/endearing/"you know it's true" performance. to my surprise he found a happy and believable middle ground. adam sandler as a whore was a little bit of a stretch, but you know what? i'd hit that. after a few. he seems like a super decent guy and funny to boot. i have a funny feeling that he is very similar to the characters that he plays, which would make him a great dad, or uncle.

kevin james. what a diamond in the rough he is! i've only recently become a fan of his through the king of queens, but i am getting more attached to him as time goes on. kevin is a great actor and comedian. he plays real guys and says things that real guys would say and does things that real guys would do. he's an underdog and he knows it and he runs with it. he's funny, without always trying to be so. if you haven't been exposed to him, i highly suggest it.

jessica biel. i'm not a big fan of hers to be honest. i don't think that she is a very good actress. but for some reason, this role works for her. i've really only seen her in dramas and she doesn't come across as genuine. i really think that comedies are more her thing. i think she would do well to play more "hot t and a" roles in male dominated movies. (see also: christina applegate in anchorman and christine taylor in dodgeball, etc.) there were times where i would've liked an acting coach to intervene but overall it was her best performance i've seen.

the supporting cast was great. nick swardson. dan aykroyd. ving rhames. and steve buscemi. kudos for holding you own and being memorable.

now... cameos. perhaps my favorite part! it was like every where you turn... BAM! famous unexpected face! there's another one! is that...? yes! it is! wow! brilliant. rob schneider. david spade. tila tequila. rob corddry. lance bass. richard chamberlain. rachel dratch. matt winston. and the piece de resistance... dave matthews as a gay retail clerk. aaaaamazing!!!!

the script was pretty good for what it was. the funny lines were fresh, not the same rehashed shit in most romcom movies. i rarely laugh out loud when i'm watching films alone. but i definitely lol-ed more than a couple times. the costume party scene was great, as was the very first scene of the movie. and the soundtrack is enjoyable also!

ahh. refreshing. i now pronounce you chuck and larry. a comedy that breaks away from the pack.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

inpycal - b+

-t