sausagefest, mutant style

so in my defense i was excited about this movie BEFORE i knew hugh jackman was naked in it.

i never read the x-men comics so i'm not in the camp of bashing this movie because of supposed inaccuracies related to backgrounds and powers and whatnot. i watched the cartoon with my brother when i was like 10 or something so my "expertise" on the x-men series ends there.

i'm not even going to attempt to review this movie until i get the girlyness out of my system. so if you are repulsed or otherwise uninterested in the swooning of a 20-something year old girl skip down to the last few paragraphs.

---begin swooning---

hugh jackman. liev schreiber. taylor kitsch. dominic monaghan. kevin durand (keamy!?!!!). ryan reynolds. will.i.am. (yes, that is the order that i would "do" them in) a woman must have casted this movie. there's no way a man would put so much hotness into one film. unless he's gay. either way... kudos to you casting director. way to get females interested in a comic book movie. moving on...

uhhh. dripping wet. abs. hip bones. bulging muscles. perfect facial hair. you just got liquid metal injected into your whole body? poor logan, come here. momma's gonna make it alllll better.

uh... logan? no, i don't think it's a good idea to go jumping off a 40 story waterfall... wait. you're doing it naked as the day you were born...? continue.

...sweet jesus almighty look at that ASS. you could just bite right into that...mmm.

ok i need to move on... to the other men or this post is going to go on forever. liev... i would make love to your voice if that was possible. you are like a big teddy bear filled with sex. there's just something about you... i can't put my finger on it... but it's there. taylor, i'm not sure who you are but i love your face. and being gambit (one of my faves from the cartoon) doesn't hurt your cause either. damn you writers for not giving me more gambit. dominic. oh my love! i have missed you since your untimely demise on lost. you are utterly adorable. you can turn me on anytime.

kevin... (i actually yelled "keamy!?" in the theater.) you are the hottest mercenary on the face of the earth. keamy... why did ben have to kill you? oh yea because you shot his daughter... oh wait. we're talking about x-men... not lost? right. you have a beautiful voice as well. you aren't very attractive as the blob... but before... you are a delish piece of mutant. ryan reynolds. uhh... where have you been hiding all those muscles? do you have more? can i see? please don't think i don't like you because you are so far down on the list... i just have standing relationships with the men ahead of you. you'll work your way up, don't worry. will.i.am. who knew you could act? gutsy move jumping into an action movie/role. most singers take the easy road and make a cameo in a rom-com as their first foray into film. you aren't too shabby in the looks department either. wait. what?

new accent to add to the list of accents that make me swoon: cajun. not crazy about your food... but your men i'll taste.

---end swooning---

the opening credits were fucking awwwesome. anyone who knows me knows i have a thing for men who can't die/are indestructible/don't age, so the whole wars-through-the-ages sequence really got my blood boiling... sorry... i thought i got the horniness out of my system. oh wait. that's not possible. i'm really going to try to review the actual movie here, i swear.

it never registered in my mind that logan's... claws?... were bone before they were adamantium. i wasn't surprised when the bone claws came out at first but it kind of freaked me out a little. i have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to blood and gore and gunshots and stabs... but broken bones, especially when they break through the skin, just totally turns my stomach and gives me the chills. so seeing the bone come through the knuckle... even sans blood... kinda made my vision a little fuzzy for a second. but that problem was resolved fairly quickly once stryker got involved. i liked that the other mutants' powers were highlighted even if it was a little unnecessary. i was a little irked at the character development... or lack thereof. there were too many new people introduced in too short of a time. i love new mutants and seeing the cool shit that they can do but it's just kind of silly to introduce a new person, have them on screen for 10 minutes, not explain their ability, and then kill them.

the plot was a little weak. i understand why wolverine is the way he is... but the film made it hard for me to empathize with him. it was like the film was caught in between being strictly an action movie and a drama with some action thrown in. you could tell the writers were trying to inject some humanity into the characters and their problems... but they came up a little short. other than that, the writing was decent, some good dry humor and sarcastic wit. camera work was good, nothing epic but still held my interest.

besides the glorious naked ass scenes i think my favorite part was where wolverine is walking away from the destruction and fireball behind him. i half expected the letters B.A.M.F. to be stamped across the screen. sweeet.

x-men origins:wolverine :: b

the environment strikes back

i wish people would give mr. shyamalan a break. he's never going to make another sixth sense, so stop waiting for it! i'm not saying the sixth sense was a fluke, because it wasn't. it was a well-thought out masterpiece. but you can't compare every movie he does from now on to his first. that's unfair. and ridiculous. i think his movies show that he's not a one trick pony. he's a storyteller. he tells familiar stories from new perspectives, twists the plot a bit and throws in a handful of suspense and thrills for good fun.

in the happening shyamalan takes the story of a unseen, mysterious natural killer and applies his standard formula to it. the story is told from the point of view of an intelligent teacher, instead of a group of dumb, beautiful teenagers. he pretty much figures out the cause of the mass suicides on his own, where in another movie the teenagers would've heard it on the crackling radio inside the tent they are camping out in. in the typical movie the environment is attacking humans, whereas in the happening, the environment is protecting itself. see how a different perspective can change a movie entirely!? shyamalan could have told an equally effective story without explicitly showing the killings, but the neck piercing/bullet to the head/lawn mower food are this movies' ghost under the table/alien hand in the grate/monster in grass waiting to scare the shit out of you. i'm not saying the deaths were gratuitous, they were just the flash and bang aspect of the movie.

i got really pissed when i read that critics were giving this movie exceptionally low ratings and writing it off as some cautionary-preachy green movie. there were definitely elements of that but i honestly don't believe that shyamalan wrote the movie thinking that it was going to be some massive slap in the forehead for the masses and we were all suddenly going to stop polluting and start driving eco-friendly cars. no one in hollywood is that delusional or self-centered. ok that's not true, but what i'm trying to say is that shyamalan is not just pulling bullshit out of his ass. nature is a living organism and has the same evolutionary capabilities as humans and other animals. he's just pointing out the "what-if" option and creating a story with it.

if you like a good story, with a solid plot, interesting characters and twist here or there, then you should at least give the happening a chance. if you are just interested in a whip-lash inducing turn at the end, you will be disappointed and should go back to 1999 and re-watch the sixth sense for the first time.

the happening :: b

monsters like their apples, just bigger

j.j. abrams is some kind of god. or at the very least a demi-god. i don't know where he comes up with his material but i don't care. he could be killing people and sucking the thoughts from their corpses and i wouldn't care. i don't care if he sold his soul to the devil. or if his bff's are voldemort and hannibal lector and he has pow-wow's with them on a weekly basis to help him think up his next mind-fuck. whatever he does/did he needs to keep at it. his stuff is like crack to me. (don't even get me started on lost)

i never saw the blair witch project so this is really the first time i have seen a movie from the [camera] point of view of the characters. it was mildly annoying at times but in most cases it really made the film. if cloverfield had been shot using typical camera work it would have been "oh just another monster movie, yawn" but this perspective added a lot more. it makes the film much more intimate and real (as real as it could get) and scary. that subway scene... i would've killed myself. actually i would have killed myself as soon as i realized the big monster was shitting out spider monsters the size of my car.

i absolutely adore jj's storytelling techniques. he never answers all of your questions, often answering questions with more questions. and everything is a metaphor for something and it's all open to interpretation. there's always the possibility of more to come. i don't have much else to say about cloverfield other than it was entertaining and the only monster movie i have sat through willingly in ages.

cloverfield :: b

john krasinski can tackle me anytime

i could make a lot of inappropriate comments about the picture to your right but i'm going to keep it clean.

i thought george was satisfactory and did an overall good job at directing and acting. (i always think thats a little presumptuous though. you can be an actor and director but not at the same time. you are really just monopolizing the movie and its creativity at that point. whatever. make as much money as you can i guess.) i always like seeing mr. clooney on the big screen. he's so handsome and talented. he has that old hollywood randy gentleman thing going on. dodges' cockiness and charm were traits that would have been wholly unbelievable had someone else been in the role. there were times when i thought george was just a touch too old for the role and a little bit too old to be going for a girl lexies age.

did not like renee in this role! i thought it was a huge miscast and would have liked to see someone with a little more natural sex appeal instead. lexie was a well written character but i did not enjoy renees interpretation of her. i think that renees delivery was wooden and the only way she fit lexie was in physical looks.

now on to john. oh jkras! imdb should never have told me you grew up where my brother now goes to college. i will stalk you like a corn field, lover! ahem. love love love carter! loved his character, his looks, and his personality. you go through the whole movie thinking he's a great guy. perfect and charming and all golden boyish only to discover that he has faults. just like everyone else. which makes him even more endearing.

at first i thought all three of the main characters were over exaggerated, sometimes comically. but i grew into it quickly and enjoyed their (oft unrealistically) quick banter and innuendos. i think the characters were supposed to appear that way to show the fanatical nature of the time period. alcohol makes some people misbehave... lets ban everyone from drinking! credit cards allow me to pay later... let charge everything! see what i mean? man i love the 20's.

its rare that i like a sports movie, but this one was more about the people and circumstances surrounding the game. a good date movie. football and manliness for the boys and eye candy and romance for the ladies. comedic joy for both!

leatherheads - B

always be prepared!

i like my men lean... but emile, honey, you're a fucking cadaver. literally. seeing poor emaciated emile made me appreciate the [extra] meat i have on my bones.

i liked the message of the movie. sometimes you have to die to really live. depressing, i know, but really i felt like his whole journey, his whole life was leading up to his death. the movie kind of worked backwards for me. after graduation he seemed dead and lifeless, and little by little he became more alive and almost more naive with each new experience. thinking that he could really honestly live off the land with no formal training in survival techniques, seemed a little foolish to me. but that's what he had to go through in order to discover himself and be "born". i really got the feeling that "this life" was a test for him and that his death was more of a birth into another life. very buddhist and om but the whole dying scene really got to me and had that air of fulfillment and completion.

on the other hand however... i got the feeling that chris (emile) was looking to die all along. he was never really truly happy until his last breath. sure he cried when he found out he was dying but he never, throughout the whole film, had a look of contentment on his face like he did on his deathbed. another reason i feel he was a closet suicide waiting to happen was because he didn't even really try to help himself once he found out he ate the poisonous plant. camping trip or not, i would have booked the hell out of there for medical assistance. immediately. it didn't feel like he was giving up, though. it was like death was a goal he was working towards unconsciously. he knew he would never be happy in this life and saw death as a reward for putting up with life.

into the wild had a few slow parts for me. i found myself wondering what this or that part had to do with anything. while these points seemed... pointless... at the end i remembered that not everything in life has a point. since this was a life story (and not an episode of lost) it was acceptable that there were a few boring parts. everyone's life has boring parts. everyone's life has some unfinished bits.

it was a nice life story. inspiring even. but reminded me of my hatred of camping which resulted in a few points being docked off.

into the wild :: B

she loves (and hates) you

man, it's taking me 3 days to write this review. ugh. and i still don't want to. i'm not sure why. across the universe was acceptable. i wasn't amazed with anything really, other than mr. jim sturgess' face and voice. swoon. i'm a sucker for those english men.

i'm really not a huge beatles fan. so i was doubly disappointed when some of their songs i actually know and like weren't in the movie. m informed me that the movie really focuses on the latter part of their career, but whatever, i don't believe your typical movie go-er is going to realize or care about that. i was also hoping for a "radical new take on beatles songs" but was presented with "yeah... anyone could have come up with these" versions. don't get me wrong, the singing was very good but i just wasn't too impressed with the arrangements.

songs aside... i loved the 3 lead males! jim sturgess, joe anderson and martin luther. acting and singing were both fabulous and convincing. their characters were deep and real, and i felt sympathy for each of them at at least one point in the movie.

males aside... i really really really didn't like evan rachel wood, or her character. lucy was a naive, vapid little brat. (very similar to wood's character in thirteen, although she was actually convincing there) she has a good voice but that's really the only positive thing i have to say about her and her character.

the rest of the movie (scenery, special effects) was either forgettable or impressive. i really enjoyed the "strawberry fields" bit, but hated "being for the benefit of mr. kite"

there is rarely a movie in which i find myself both loving and hating it in equal parts... across the universe is one of these.

grade:b

luke-warm fuzz

shawn of the dead? one of the funniest movies ever. hot fuzz? not so much. i had high hopes for this film because it was from, and staring, the guys from sotd. the previews made it look funny and people i talked to who saw it in the theater said it was also. am i missing something?

parts of it were funny. the plot was funny in theory but not in execution. the cast and cameos were good, especially nick frost, who is now one of my favorite british actors. and simon pegg was excellent, which is no surprise.

i'd say the first half of the movie dragged a bit but it then picked up towards the end. i don't have much else to say about the film. maybe i missed the british humor this time? maybe one should be high while viewing the film? not sure.

grade: b

song and blood

just a forewarning here. i’m writing this review after seeing atonement. unfortunately this means that sweeney todd will be somewhat obscured under shadow. regardless…

good movie! but not my favorite musical. the music was different than what i normally expect of a “musical”. sweeney todd is not really something you can “sing” to (versus moulin rouge and chicago). another notable difference between this musical and those others is that there is considerably less dialog in sweeney. it is almost entirely sung. i also enjoyed the darkness of the film, both literally and metaphorically. the plot was great, though just a little bit predictable towards the end.

i thought johnny was great. i don't have to say this, because anyone who has ever seen him act knows this, but he is an incredible actor. he is so believable and versatile. i am transfixed by his every performance. and while he’s no sinatra, he still has a decent voice. and you’ve gotta give him props for doing something outside his comfort zone. helena was great. i enjoyed her voice, very breathy and frail, like her physique and character. i wish she was showcased a little more and i wish sweeney gave her a fighting chance. she was terrific. her want for sweeney and the torment she experiences from him not returning her affections is powerful but subdued. alan rickman delivered as always. he plays such a good bad guy! he has that deep, slick voice that just makes him (and everything he says) sound like an asshole. if he told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world, i wouldn't know whether to kiss him or slap him. also can i just say that he looked damn good in this movie too?! rawr. a nice change from the slimy snape.

the moral of the story is to not live in the past. it demonstrates how grief and revenge can be so all consuming that you miss out on new opportunities and happiness.

obviously if you are squeamish you shouldn't see this film, but if you can get over the spurting fake blood and you have a $9 laying around and want to see something different, i would suggest seeing it.

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sweeney todd gets a B!
-t

what happens in vegas...

i like heist movies. and i love the ocean movies (although i liked 12 the least). i love this series for a number of reasons. here's 5 reasons why i enjoyed 13:

1) amazing cast. mr. clooney, mr. pitt, mr. damon and mr. cheadle are definitely among the greatest actors of our time. even the not so well known members are talented and essential to the movies. i am soooo grateful that the original 11 stayed with the movies all the way through. that is a feat hard to come by, getting 11 people to sign on for a second, let alone a third movie. also, mr. pacino and mr. garcia... top notch. i did slightly miss julia roberts though. it would have been nice if she came back and kicked benedict in the balls... for old times sake.

2) accessibility. these movies really are accessible to everyone. all three work as stand-alones, so it's not something one has to commit to, unlike say the lord of the rings. they are also accessible to a wide spectrum of iq scores. you could be a bona-fide smarty pants or you could be slightly brighter than a rock and still enjoy them. the intricacy of the actual heist plan, the inter-relation of the characters and the double-double crosses appeal to those in my own iq bracket, while the humor, the bright lights, and the general concept of robbing some stuffy asshole blind are easy for everyone to understand.

3) vegas. 'nuff said. if you've been there, you know.

4) the script. it's intelligent! which is not really the norm for movies in this genre. usually with heist/shoot 'em up/ flashy movies you get sub-par cliched one liners. the "bangs!" and "booms!" usually do all the talking. oceans' is different. the dry, witty banter here makes it for me. and the lines at the end from mr's clooney and pitt digging at each others personal lives were a nice touch, even if a little corny.

5) the plot. the writers make the twisty-turny plot pretty easy to follow (pay attention!) and you almost think you could use the movie as an actual blueprint for robbing an impenetrable casino... hmm, clever. anyways. you really want the gang to succeed because you want banks to go down in a blaze for screwing reuben over. i like how this movie was a little different with respect to the "heist" part. the original plan was to just make banks lose a shit load of money on opening night. the stealing of the diamonds was added after. it reminded me of home alone exploits only on an adult/millionaire scale. the sabotaging of the hotel rater, the rigging of the games and machines, the forethought to control everything and the use of greedy employee insiders was genius. the only minor issue i had with the plot was the parts in mexico with the malloy brothers. don't get me wrong. i thought that was one of the funniest parts of the movie, but it was clearly a plot device to make the movie a few minutes longer.

while the first one is still the best one, the third comes in at a close second. (o.O)

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overall, i give ocean's 13 a B!

-t

hey disney... your roots are showing

well m and i went and saw enchanted on monday night. i really enjoyed it. i really enjoy most disney movies, but this one brought me back to the enjoyment i got out of the little mermaid, sleeping beauty and beauty and the beast. i've been disappointed that disney broke away from it's "musical" format and decided to go the way of celebrity voices and cgi's.

i think that disney tried to incorporate some of their earlier works into this movie. (there were certainly some parodies going on) but i think that overall, it was mainly a mashed up updated version of snow white and sleeping beauty. there was a little alice in wonderland thrown in, and even less little mermaid, but they were there. regardless, i really connected with the storyline and thought it delivered a good modern message to young girls. its ok to be helpless and stupid sometimes, but most of the time you need to think critically, be brave and fight some bitches to win at life.

i am glad that they used amy adams for the role of giselle and not some slutty tart. i honestly had no idea who amy was before this role and for that i am glad. the only problem i had with her was that she seemed just a hair too old for the role at times. i think disney princesses are in the age range of say, 18-23, and amy seemed like a 26 year old at times. at times, key words there. 99% of the time she fits right in.

not a huge fan of partick dempsey, but in no way do i dislike him. i thought he played the role extremely well. and after seeing him in this part, i definitely see his appeal. i'm not jumping on the grey's anatomy band wagon here, but i would enjoy seeing him in other movies.

james marsden. ::angels singing:: god is that man good looking or what?! even in that silly prince costume i just wanted to... ahem. sorry. good acting, wish he got a chance to sing just a little bit more. but i'll take what i can get. now all i need for him to do is take more roles where he is shirtless...

loved the costumes and the sets and how it took place in nyc. perfectly juxtaposes the idea of a fairy tale kingdom. the only thing that could have made this movie better was more singing. classic disney had, what?, a good 10-15 original songs per movie. this one had 3 plus the one by carrie underwood and some other guy. come on disney, don't half-ass it, next time!

the only thing i didn't like about the movie was susan sarandon. at first i didn't even know it was her. the costume didn't translate well from cartoon world to real world. she looked like a freak, not an evil queen (although in nyc these are sometimes considered the same thing...) i wish the creators incorporated her just a little more, make her a little more human. they kind of just said "ok here's the evil queen. she's evil. don't like her, k?. why? just because. don't ask questions."

someone also could have come up with a better tagline. "the real world and the animated world collide." areyoufuckingserious? wasn't that like the tagline for space jam??

overall, good job disney! now its up to you to decide whether you go up or down from this point. choose wisely. please.

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Enchanted - B

-t